Adventures in Conversation, and Overcoming Fear
Blog-writing is a discipline I have repeatedly attempted to adopt and then allowed to lapse, as will be evident from the start-and-stop nature of the posts archived below. I could provide many reasons, but the root cause circles back to fear. I fear conflict. I fear controversy, even when I feel strongly about an issue. I fear engaging ideas because my understanding may be incomplete, though in more lucid moments I am aware that human knowledge is always limited -- and one of the best ways to acquire more knowledge is through reflection and engagement. An experience I had just the other day, however, reminds me just how important it is to put ourselves "out there" in uncomfortable spaces.
I lead a monthly "Theology on Tap" ministry through our church. We meet at a restaurant -- usually a pizza parlor, because they tend to have big event rooms -- and engage in guided conversation about an issue. Last fall a pastor friend and fellow congregant proposed that we spend one of our sessions focusing on the topic of guns and violence. He offered to co-facilitate. I was nervous from the start about this idea; guns are such a loaded issue (no pun initially intended, but hey, I'll go with it). I knew our attendees would have very different opinions. I also knew the topic was really important. I welcomed his help (diffusion of responsibility!) and scheduled the conversation for January. Meanwhile, my friend reached out to another Lutheran in the area who has experience talking about this issue and invited her as a guest. This was turning into a big event -- and I was terrified.
Finally, the big day came. I wondered if our attendance would approach normal numbers. A few regular attendees were out of town; would others stay away from a topic so controversial, concerned their views wouldn't be heard or the discussion would become too contentious? How would we handle conflict? Would the evening precipitate hard feelings within the congregation?
My first surprise came as I counted the heads assembling around tables to share food and informal fellowship. We were setting a new attendance record -- by several people. We started the guided discussion and our guest offered some brief thoughts. She began by telling the story of her own experiences with guns, going on to explain that she believed sharing our stories was the best way to see each other as individuals and learn how to thoughtfully engage important questions. She spoke from a posture of respect for all, encouraging education and attention to information-gathering. My pastor friend followed up with advice to focus on "root causes." I distributed the question-and-information handouts I always carefully prepare, crossed my fingers, and released folks to talk in small groups.
They were some of the best conversations we've ever had as a ministry.
People didn't necessarily agree, but they shared from positions of vulnerability and showed care and attention to others. At the end of the evening, one attendee publicly thanked us for engaging such an important topic. The rest applauded. Feedback has been positive.
Lesson learned.
I didn't see how I could say no to my pastor friend when he raised the idea of covering this topic, but I can't honestly say I would have been brave enough to do it myself. The experience reminded me that people are honestly, eagerly, hungry for true engagement. We know we need to learn how to listen to and understand each other. We know disagreement need not mean lack of friendship. We understand important questions don't typically have black-and-white answers. Unfortunately, there are a lot of forces in our society that act to sequester people in like-minded groups and convince them the "other" is to be feared. Deep down, though, our better instincts remind us that we're smarter than that.
Thanks be to God for a group of people last week who intentionally sought conversation and engagement over fear. I am grateful for their example. They inspire me toward the hard work of overcoming my own fears.
I lead a monthly "Theology on Tap" ministry through our church. We meet at a restaurant -- usually a pizza parlor, because they tend to have big event rooms -- and engage in guided conversation about an issue. Last fall a pastor friend and fellow congregant proposed that we spend one of our sessions focusing on the topic of guns and violence. He offered to co-facilitate. I was nervous from the start about this idea; guns are such a loaded issue (no pun initially intended, but hey, I'll go with it). I knew our attendees would have very different opinions. I also knew the topic was really important. I welcomed his help (diffusion of responsibility!) and scheduled the conversation for January. Meanwhile, my friend reached out to another Lutheran in the area who has experience talking about this issue and invited her as a guest. This was turning into a big event -- and I was terrified.
Finally, the big day came. I wondered if our attendance would approach normal numbers. A few regular attendees were out of town; would others stay away from a topic so controversial, concerned their views wouldn't be heard or the discussion would become too contentious? How would we handle conflict? Would the evening precipitate hard feelings within the congregation?
My first surprise came as I counted the heads assembling around tables to share food and informal fellowship. We were setting a new attendance record -- by several people. We started the guided discussion and our guest offered some brief thoughts. She began by telling the story of her own experiences with guns, going on to explain that she believed sharing our stories was the best way to see each other as individuals and learn how to thoughtfully engage important questions. She spoke from a posture of respect for all, encouraging education and attention to information-gathering. My pastor friend followed up with advice to focus on "root causes." I distributed the question-and-information handouts I always carefully prepare, crossed my fingers, and released folks to talk in small groups.
They were some of the best conversations we've ever had as a ministry.
People didn't necessarily agree, but they shared from positions of vulnerability and showed care and attention to others. At the end of the evening, one attendee publicly thanked us for engaging such an important topic. The rest applauded. Feedback has been positive.
Lesson learned.
I didn't see how I could say no to my pastor friend when he raised the idea of covering this topic, but I can't honestly say I would have been brave enough to do it myself. The experience reminded me that people are honestly, eagerly, hungry for true engagement. We know we need to learn how to listen to and understand each other. We know disagreement need not mean lack of friendship. We understand important questions don't typically have black-and-white answers. Unfortunately, there are a lot of forces in our society that act to sequester people in like-minded groups and convince them the "other" is to be feared. Deep down, though, our better instincts remind us that we're smarter than that.
Thanks be to God for a group of people last week who intentionally sought conversation and engagement over fear. I am grateful for their example. They inspire me toward the hard work of overcoming my own fears.
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