self esteem
I'm in Michigan for a few days this week, doing some research at the University of Michigan. I am finding some good material and am very glad I made the trip, even more glad the library saw fit to fund me... and downright delighted to be flying home tomorrow evening to my family.
Despite best intentions (I wore my glasses instead of my contacts like a good girl and everything) I somehow managed to injure my eye the day I flew here from Portland. It was itchy that evening, throbbed overnight... and by morning the outer half of my left eye was very red. It's hard to accessorize for the "inadvertently diabolical" look. On the plus side, historical research isn't exactly a people-centric occupation, but even so, I've spent the past two days embarrassed every time I have to walk inside, take off my sunglasses and talk to someone. Normally, my clear blue eyes are the aspect of my appearance I am most proud of. This week I look like a red-haired horror movie and have contemplated hanging a sign around my neck assuring passers-by that "no, it isn't pink-eye, because I can see a bump where I injured it."
Self-esteem is a funny thing. We manufacture identity based upon various aspects of our appearance or achievements. When cracks develop in those facades, we struggle. Even when I don't have a demon eye I have a hard time appreciating that I am worthwhile. Academic success has been a part of my life for so long that I feel keenly inadequate for not having a tenure-track teaching position. I could rattle off a long list of reasons why I shouldn't, but the more operative point here is that I feel this way regardless of evidence. I feel inadequate as a mother and inadequate in running a household... and again, any evidence to the contrary isn't the point. The feelings of inadequacy are. It's easy to shrink into a restricted life in the face of these feelings. And now I look really weird, too!
I figure my eye is probably telling me something (in addition to "go to the eye doctor if I'm not on the mend by the time you get home"). With the thing I had pride in glowing in a freakish manner I am forced into renewed recognition that my identity shouldn't hinge on any of this. I don't have value because of my books or my degrees, my flowerbeds or the state of my kitchen floor (that said, please don't look too closely). Value comes from something deeper. I have value because I am a child of God. I matter because God created me.
You have value because you are a child of God. You matter because God created you.
God-created value may or may not translate into success or achievement. I am definitely not an advocate of the prosperity gospel. What it does do is give us the freedom to live our lives fully, whatever they may be and whatever that may entail. We might struggle, but we struggle secure in the knowledge that we have value deeper than human understanding. We may encounter success, but we can realize that our identity is not bound up in a continuing struggle up that ladder.
Here endeth the lesson of the crazy red eye. ;-)
Despite best intentions (I wore my glasses instead of my contacts like a good girl and everything) I somehow managed to injure my eye the day I flew here from Portland. It was itchy that evening, throbbed overnight... and by morning the outer half of my left eye was very red. It's hard to accessorize for the "inadvertently diabolical" look. On the plus side, historical research isn't exactly a people-centric occupation, but even so, I've spent the past two days embarrassed every time I have to walk inside, take off my sunglasses and talk to someone. Normally, my clear blue eyes are the aspect of my appearance I am most proud of. This week I look like a red-haired horror movie and have contemplated hanging a sign around my neck assuring passers-by that "no, it isn't pink-eye, because I can see a bump where I injured it."
Self-esteem is a funny thing. We manufacture identity based upon various aspects of our appearance or achievements. When cracks develop in those facades, we struggle. Even when I don't have a demon eye I have a hard time appreciating that I am worthwhile. Academic success has been a part of my life for so long that I feel keenly inadequate for not having a tenure-track teaching position. I could rattle off a long list of reasons why I shouldn't, but the more operative point here is that I feel this way regardless of evidence. I feel inadequate as a mother and inadequate in running a household... and again, any evidence to the contrary isn't the point. The feelings of inadequacy are. It's easy to shrink into a restricted life in the face of these feelings. And now I look really weird, too!
I figure my eye is probably telling me something (in addition to "go to the eye doctor if I'm not on the mend by the time you get home"). With the thing I had pride in glowing in a freakish manner I am forced into renewed recognition that my identity shouldn't hinge on any of this. I don't have value because of my books or my degrees, my flowerbeds or the state of my kitchen floor (that said, please don't look too closely). Value comes from something deeper. I have value because I am a child of God. I matter because God created me.
You have value because you are a child of God. You matter because God created you.
God-created value may or may not translate into success or achievement. I am definitely not an advocate of the prosperity gospel. What it does do is give us the freedom to live our lives fully, whatever they may be and whatever that may entail. We might struggle, but we struggle secure in the knowledge that we have value deeper than human understanding. We may encounter success, but we can realize that our identity is not bound up in a continuing struggle up that ladder.
Here endeth the lesson of the crazy red eye. ;-)
You should see MY kitchen floor right now...it would make you feel so much better...as would almost every area of my awfully dirty home. And you are almost close enough to see it. :-) Miss you.
ReplyDeleteWith a household cuteness quotient like yours nobody's going to be looking at the floors (or anything else)! :-). Miss you, too--it was tempting to turn onto I-94 toward Chicago instead of toward Detroit this afternoon.
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